Land of Gods and Monsters

Recovery is going decent i guess, i been trying to walk around the house without my crutches but i'm still not able to put my full weight on my leg, and i noticed when i got in the shower that my bandage on my knee was starting to bleed thru the bandage. so that scared the living hell out of me, and i decided to start using my crutches full time again, at least for another week or so then i can start trying to walk regular again. I'm supposed to get my staples out on the 3rd of feb so looking forward to that visit, so i can get the staples out and they can let me know how my progress is coming along. A wise person once said that (The Art of healing, is the process one must go thru to actually Heal.) i believe that very much so, to me that means that everyone has their own process in the sense that people have to heal themselves all the time, wether it be physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. We have the ability to be so strong and Brave but at the same time so Weak and Afraid....afraid of what tho? afraid of failing? Most people are afraid of rejection by others so they don't do the things they are capable of in order to avoid that one moment when we realize...that nobody cares.

But someone does care, the one person that should be valued and thought of as a true beauty....Ourselves. why do we judge ourselves so harshly and critically? why would we rather suffer thru something we hate , in order to avoid that moment of feeling completely alone, if it means we have to take a chance on something we love, with a risk of losing everything and everyone . does it mean that we are being selfish to take this risk?

I took a Risk with my surgery and not knowing if i would ever wake up again.. all for the hope that my leg would not be in pain no longer.. the hope that i could one day run again as fast as i wanted to and stand on my feet for as long as i want to, without dealing with the pain of past ghosts from inside my leg. I don't know if i have what it takes to make it thru this whole thing, without having a meltdown...today i had a semi-meltdown and totally went off on someone i truly care about, because they told me something about annual income.. i totally lost it. i don't know if its because ive been in the house for the longest i've ever had to be in or if it was because i have to be in crutches again...thinking that i had already awoke from this Nightmare...or maybe i was on to many meds at once. most likely a combination of the 3, whichever it was i felt horrible afterwards and tried to apologize, so i really just hope they understand and forgive me.. People don't realize how lucky we are to be blissfully unaware that our bodies are so fragile and can be destroyed at any moment. but then again the human body is almost invincible at certain moments of time. how is this possible? are we such a Maze that scientists cant tell us how the body is able to be like this, or for that matter why its like this. In a Land of Gods and Monsters are we really the angels?...or the Demons? or maybe we are neither... but just a little Lily pad floating in the water, watching the chaos in this Land and plotting our take-over.

Sometimes I know that we as humans are capable of such cruelty and violence...just look at the Dark ages, when there was a torture device for almost every type of torture the mind was able to come up with..you name it, they made it. but these days our cruel nature is blanketed with Love and kindness. is it just a blanket tho? or is it our TRUE nature...maybe we are really meant to be Loving beings but we turn cruel because we are frightened that in the End we only have who we are on the inside, and that determines how we will spend eternity no matter how many good things we do or try to convince people how good we are....does it even matter?

People always say that Eyes are the window to the persons Soul. I believe this entirely, i always have ever since i was a child, even as a child i was obsessed with a persons eyes, i didn't know why, but i would just stare at them, observe them, try to catch a glimpse into their soul...this is when i believed that all people were good inside...even growing up in a household with a violent father and an over-protective mother...i still knew that magic was in every person, along with sadness and beauty...i happened to visit my Aunti Cori when i was 19 yrs old....my mom bought me a ticket to visit her and the Land of Dreams. i was so excited..my Aunti who loves me like one of her own always took photos and video, even tho it was in the 80's she made sure to capture as many moment's as she possibly could. there was once specific video she showed me of my Cousin Ronnie's First birthday... i had to of been only about 4 yrs old...but it was still exciting to see myself as child...and there is once specific moment where my Aunt's ex husband Ron , see's me and as the camera holder he walks up to me and says "Stevie..Look at the camera..what is today?" and i look up at the camera and My eyes are so Big and Round, and i have this Enchanting stare, i cant explain it, almost as if i'm not looking at the camera, but the people watching the video...it was the most insane thing i've ever witnessed about myself..and from then on i knew that something different, something special was going on in those eyes...my eyes.. I'll never forget that video for my entire life. i'm very glad i seen myself at that age. but it just raised more questions..

in the end what determines who we are as people.?? who we are as warriors,??..who we are as....Gods and Monsters...